Psychosis

How do I pray?

I can't remember, 

I can't recall,

All I hear are voices, 

Echoing through the walls.

They rise like fire,

And in whispers do fall.

How do I think?

I can't remember,

I can't even breathe,

The air is dry cotton,

And all I can see

Are spiders in rafters

And dead children at my feet.

How do I swallow?

I can't remember, 

I can't bear to eat,

I hunger for life,

I thirst to be free,

But alone I am held captive 

By specters none can see.

...

This poem is dedicated to the many terrifying nights in the hospital when I was plagued by hallucinations brought on by psychosis. Having been diagnosed with gall stones, appendicitis, and pancreatitis all at the same time, I was taking quite a high dose of pain medications. These medications caused me to hear music softly playing from other rooms (sometimes harps, other times heavy metal), as well as seeing things that were not there (such as children eating under my bed), or even complete delusions in which I believed nurses were trying to have me join a Satanic cult. 

It all seemed so real -- nothing my parents, doctors, or nurses could say would convince me otherwise. I could see things. I could feel them. I could hear them. I was frustrated that no one but myself seemed to realize what was going on around me in the hospital room. 

I slowly came back to reality over the course of a few weeks, but still had to deal with withdrawals as I was weaned off extremely powerful drugs. I was unable to sleep for three days, and dealt with crippling depression and anxiety. To top it off, my entire body would be restless for hours, with chills traveling up and down my spine, and I would feel physical pain from the withdrawals. I am happy to say that I was able to overcome the drug dependency which I developed, though it was by no means an easy process. I would not have been able to overcome this trial without a support system of friends, family, and God in my life.

It is easy to convince ourselves that we are sufficiently strong to overcome our challenges. However, in Proverbs 28:26 we read, "he that trustesth in his own heart is a fool". The truth is, no matter how strong we think we are, we cannot face all of our demons and still expect to come out on top.  It is for this reason that Paul wrote:

"...we wrestle not against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of the world, against spiritual wickedness in high places." [1]

God is the one person who we can count on in our battle against "the rulers of darkness of the world". God is the perfect ally: He our all-knowing, merciful, understanding, and loving Heavenly Father. With him on our side, we cannot fall or falter. He knows our struggles and how to succor us according to our infirmities. It is through him that we are able to :

"...take upon [ourselves] the whole armour of God, that [we] may be able to withstand in the evil day, and having done all, to stand." [2]

The truth is, we cannot expect to face all of our demons alone and still come out on top. We need our parents, our friends, our doctors, but most importantly we need God. God is the one person who knows the beginning from the end. He knows our struggles, and He knows how to succor us according to our infirmities. There is no better support system than a loving, all-knowing, merciful Father in Heaven.

How do we come to trust God and to lean on Him for strength and support? We are reminded in the scriptures that "by small and simple things are great things brought to pass." [3] We can come unto God in the following "simple" ways:

1. Daily, meaningful prayer, "asking for whatsoever things ye stand in need, both spiritual and temporal; always returning thanks unto God for whatsoever things ye do receive." [4]
2. Daily scripture study.
3. Serving your fellow man.
4. Keep the commandments.

It is in fully relying on God that we may become firm in our faith and strong enough to withstand the tempests and the whirlwinds of life.

[1] Ephesians 6:12
[2] Ephesians 6:13
[3] Alma 37:6
[4] Alma 7:23